One of the saddest things I hear from women who are questioning their marriages is this:

"I don't trust myself anymore."

Sometimes they say those exact words. More often, it sounds like something else: How could I have chosen this? Why didn't I see it sooner? What if I make the wrong decision again?

On the surface, these questions seem to be about the marriage. But beneath them is often a deeper fear: the belief that if the relationship is struggling now, the original decision to marry must have been a mistake.

After more than twenty years as a family lawyer and several years as a coach, I've come to believe that one of the greatest casualties of a struggling marriage is self-trust. By the time many women reach me, they are no longer just questioning the relationship. They are questioning themselves.

Putting the Past on Trial

When people begin reevaluating their marriages, they often revisit the past looking for answers. They replay conversations, reconsider red flags, and search for clues they believe they should have seen all along. Without realizing it, they put the woman who got married on trial. Every disappointment becomes evidence. Every difficult season becomes proof that she should have known better. The story is rewritten through the lens of present-day pain.

But there is a problem with this approach. The woman who chose to get married did not have the information you have today. She didn't know how the story would unfold. She didn't know what challenges would arise, how each of you would grow and change, or what life would ask of you ten, twenty, or thirty years later. She made a decision based on what she knew at the time, what she hoped for, what she valued, and what felt true in that moment. Judging her by information that only became available years later is neither fair nor useful.

There Was a Reason You Said Yes

Most people do not get married because they are trying to create suffering for themselves. They get married because something is working. There is a reason they say yes.

Even if the relationship is struggling now, that does not erase the reasons it made sense then. Many marriages create beautiful children, cherished memories, deep friendships, personal growth, financial stability, and years of companionship. They shape who we become and influence the course of our lives in meaningful ways. A marriage does not become meaningless simply because it changes, and a relationship ending does not automatically mean the decision to enter it was a mistake.

Yet when a marriage becomes difficult, many people collapse two separate ideas into one. Because they are unhappy now, they assume they must have been wrong then. But life is more complicated than that. A relationship can be exactly the right choice for one chapter of your life and still not be the right fit forever. People change. Circumstances change. We change. The fact that something no longer fits does not automatically mean it never fit.

The Search for Certainty

What concerns me most is not that women question their marriages. Questioning is often healthy. It can be a sign of growth, awareness, and honesty. What concerns me is when they begin questioning themselves.

They stop believing in their ability to make good decisions. They become afraid of choosing because they are convinced they already chose wrong once. As a result, they start looking outside themselves for certainty. They ask friends, therapists, attorneys, books, podcasts, and experts to tell them what to do. They hope someone else will provide the answer that finally quiets their uncertainty.

The problem is that certainty is rarely available. Relationships are complex, people are complicated, and life rarely offers guarantees. No matter how many opinions we gather, there is often no way to know exactly how things will unfold. What is available, however, is something far more valuable than certainty: self-trust.

What Self-Trust Really Means

Many people believe self-trust comes from making perfect decisions. I don't think that's true.

Self-trust comes from believing that you can meet life as it unfolds. It comes from knowing that you can make thoughtful decisions, learn from experience, adapt when circumstances change, and navigate uncertainty without abandoning yourself. It means trusting that even if you don't know exactly what comes next, you have the capacity to handle it.

The goal is not to prove that you've never made a mistake. The goal is to trust yourself enough to make the next decision.

Honoring the Woman Who Said Yes

When I work with women facing major relationship decisions, I am often less interested in whether they stay or leave than in whether they can extend compassion to themselves. Can they honor the woman who said yes? Can they appreciate what she hoped for? Can they recognize what she saw in the relationship? Can they acknowledge what she could not possibly have known?

Because the woman who got married is not the enemy. She is not evidence of poor judgment, nor is she proof that you cannot trust yourself. She was doing the best she could with what she knew at the time. The woman making decisions today is doing the same.

The woman who said yes deserves your compassion, not your judgment. And if you can begin there, you may discover that the path forward has less to do with certainty than with rebuilding trust in yourself.

If you're struggling with a major relationship decision, remember this: the goal is not to know the future. The goal is to trust yourself enough to meet it.